Before entering a difficult discussion or just wanting to talk about something mildly anxiety-raising, like doing the laundry, I try Fun Things First and Last. Why? Because it sets the scene—it lets my son know that everything is going to be OK, even if we discuss big things.
Having fun before the chat and after the conversation has finished ensures our loved one doesn’t stay stuck on the topic for too long. This diminishes anxiety and creates emotional safety, by putting a stop to the topic going around and around in their head.
Doing one fun thing before a discussion lightens my mood too, making my tone of voice more positive. Then afterward, doing another fun thing can help refresh everyone’s brains, as we move on from what was just said.
Something that has worked for us a few times is playing sock-soccer before discussing socks and where they need to go. And once the “putting away your clothes” chat has finished it can be very helpful to take a few more minutes to keep playing, thus ending a potentially hazardous talk with a pleasurable game (and maybe a win!)
Fun Things First and Last might seem like a lot of effort, but it’s enabled us to have those harder conversations on many occasions. Prior to learning this technique, I felt apprehensive about discussing something I believed our son might find uncomfortable. I hoped that age would alleviate his anxiety, but it didn’t. And there are always things that need discussing, big and small. So, by getting out their favourite board game or inventing a game, like seeing which kitchen utensils can be turned into a musical instrument, I’ve been able to manage my personal anxiety levels while also giving our loved one’s nervous system a chance to settle.
High stress topics can include going away on holiday, changing schools, seeing a dentist or not having their preferred brand of bread in the cupboard. Remember, your loved one is most likely inhabiting a world of anxiety, fear and frustration. They might even sense when you are thinking about discussing something before you’ve realised it yourself. That’s because anxiety trains the brain and body to look for trouble. It makes us ready to run for the exit. So, creating some fun before discussing the washing up, the laundry or whose turn is it to make dinner may well keep the peace and get the job done!
Fun Things Ideas List:
1. Play a game your young person likes
2. Make a snack to share
3. Talk about their intense interest and really listen
4. Watch a funny YouTube or look at funny memes together
5. Play T-shirt basketball in the kitchen and shoot into a saucepan for a basket
