Our lives are full of options and decisions that need to be made. What do I wear today? What do I eat for breakfast and then for lunch? What do I choose off the shelf at the shop when I’m faced with the large number of products? The dialogue can be exhausting! For some people on the spectrum, less options means less stress. In other words, avoiding choice paralysis.
Parents can assist with this by selecting two options and presenting those options in an uncomplicated way. For example, rather than saying, “What would you like for lunch today? A sandwich? Or we’ve got yummy leftovers…” you might say, “Would you like me to make you a sandwich or reheat the leftovers?”
On occasions when even two choices seem too much you might simply make the sandwich and put it on the bench for them to eat when they feel ready. You know your loved one best. The same goes for situations where there are a lot of organisational choices to be made.
For example: “We need to buy Christmas presents on the weekend. We can shop online or in-store. Let us know which one is your preferred option.”
Then wait. It might take a while. They might find it difficult to weigh up all the pros and cons. So, I might also write it down for them to read at their own pace. Weighing up everything and imagining what the outcomes might look like can be a daunting task. So, assisted decision-making is valid.
Once our son does make a choice, we honour it. Even though we may feel sad that he won’t be attending a family gathering or lunch out. We regain some joy, however, when we send him photos via text from our lunch out, and he interacts with us around these images. It’s been hard but we’ve come to realise that he may not be able to participate in many things in person. We accept that he will often “participate” via observation.
Sometimes, however, things need to be done without real choice, such as going to the dentist or dropping in to check on Nana. On these occasions, we try to choose words carefully and give the illusion of choice. For example, “Nana needs me to check in on her. I’ll make it prompt as I realise this is not what you or I were expecting. You’d be very welcome to come in with me or I can bring Nana to the window to wave ‘hi’ to you.”
Of course, we have had to let go of some dreams about how things could be. But if our loved one had a physical disability, we’d make allowances to accommodate his comfort, health and wellbeing. The same goes for someone on the spectrum.
Coping with choice-stress can be arduous from everyone’s perspective. But with some heartfelt understanding we can communicate our willingness to get through the distressing feelings together. By doing this we can show them that with time and practice they can get better at making choices. Or they won’t, for some things, and that’s OK too. To be honest, I’m in my fifties and I still don’t know at times if I prefer tea or coffee.
