Learning to communicate calmly and neutrally can be a game-changer for parents. For example, affirmative or descriptive language, is a way of relating that is easy for anyone to process:
“I’m aware that you’re trying to get your driver’s license. I’m happy to help.”
This statement is succinct, calm and offers help with no pressure or strings attached. Compare this to interrogative communication, which asks lots of questions:
“How are you going with the practice driving test? When are you going for your test? Have you booked in yet? And why didn’t you go out with your uncle for a drive when he offered last weekend?”
Can you see how this type of questioning can easily cause overload? So too can directive language, which is making demands or telling someone to do something.
“Stop gaming and start studying for your driving test.”
If you add, “right now!” You’d be using exclamatory language, which adds even more stress.
So, stop and think about how you can make your requests without triggering undue anxiety. I often use sticky notes and texting with an emoji to communicate with our son, even when we’re inside the same house. Why? Because it’s succinct and descriptive. But most crucially, it’s fun!
Communicating remotely, in bite-sized pieces, bypasses our facial expressions, volume/tone of voice and body language. This makes it emotionally neutral. It also allows our loved one valuable processing time. Plus, it offers choice and control about when he feels he can respond back. He also has the option of re-reading the message repeatedly. This helps with poor running memory.
Texting with emojis or gifs can also assist with communicating complex concepts. They can also be hilarious, or cute or specific to whatever your loved one likes. For example, when it’s our son’s turn to cook dinner, we will text the burger emoji plus a funny “cat with chef’s hat” meme. Not saying it works every time, but it doesn’t trigger an angry outburst. At worst he just doesn’t respond. At best he replies, “in half an hour” with a “dog wearing a chef’s hat” meme. It’s an improvement from our previous attempts with shouting up the stairs or knocking on his door, demanding he do what he promised.
For our son prompting, reminding, bribing, demanding, or making a request can send a direct message to his brain to respond “NO!” Simultaneously igniting distressing feelings like agitation, anger, insult, and frustration. So, for us, creating calm communication is essential.
Some days making a face-to-face request might be completely OK. This is especially the case when our loved one is having fun and the task requested is something he feels skilled in. Picking when and where to do this will also help in the delivery of your request. Timing is everything. On a good day, a request to vacuum his room might be fine. On a bad day, we’d be best to re-evaluate the importance of the carpet’s cleanliness. But, if it does need doing, we try to make our communication method reach its mark by making it succinct, descriptive, and emotionally neutral. Explaining why the carpet needs regular cleaning also helps because this is factual and not personal. For example, I might text, “Dust Mite Manifesto says, ‘Vacuum rooms weekly to get rid of mould and dust mites.’”
Then I’d add an emoji love heart. It never hurts!
